Things you’ll never hear me say

I’ve previously written about things that I’ve learnt & also things I wanna do/have/eat/see etc, but this time I’m taking another approach & listing some of the things you will never hear me say. So, without further ado, here we go.

Oh it’s just reflux. That will pass.

I love when you downplay my anxieties about anything related to Flynn’s health or feeding issues.

That’s the grocery shopping done for the week. I won’t need to step back into the store for seven whole days.

Oh, you’ve been diagnosed with PND/PPD. Are you sure it’s not just the baby blues? Maybe go for a walk or go shopping. Things’ll look so much better then.

A day spa. Really? For me? Oh, I couldn’t. There’s so many more other things I’d rather be doing.

Oh your children aren’t vaccinated, no worries, come over for that playdate.

Can I please pay for the privilege of you inserting instruments in my wa-wa & taking swabs?

I wouldn’t give my kids leftovers for dinner.

I think it’s really important to follow everything the parenting websites say to do & not to do for your kids. It’s simply crazy not to take their advice because they know you & your child so well.

Thank you so much for the mountain of newborn baby clothes you bought as gifts. I can’t wait to go home & wash them all before my baby can wear them.

Oh wow – the Wiggles are going to be in concert again. We must get tickets.

I just don’t see the point of getting a house cleaner.

The ad said it cleans itself so it must be true.

No, really, come to our house for dinner. I’ll cook. It’s really no bother.

Your baby also has Laryngomalacia. You know they grow out of it by 12 months.

Oh really, your baby is how old? Shouldn’t they be doing X & Y by now?

If your baby isn’t sleeping through the night by at least six months they never will.

Breast is best.

Thanks for the dinner invitation for a late family dinner. The kids will be fine while being distracted (& your constant reminders of how well they are managing to stay up late is encouraging) but once in the car they will turn feral & be up half the night. I won’t resent your dinner invitation at all & will be looking forward until the next time you do the same thing to us.

I love the cold & Winter is my favourite season.

Yes, that’s it, my child is hungry/tired. Thanks for your helpful insights.

Big deal. So you have to hold your baby all day. How hard can that be?

There’s no such thing as colic. It’s a fallacy.

I’ll have a Pepsi thanks.

Oh you’ve had/got gastro/croup/bronchitis & you want to come over. Oh please do & don’t forget to infect the kids. Especially Flynn cos his Laryngomalacia means that he finds it hard to breathe & he loves a challenge! Oh he might even lose weight while he’s unwell. Double bonus!

There’s no such thing as postnatal/postpartum mood disorders (PMDs), it’s just mother’s whinging that it’s harder than they thought.

I love when you compare my baby to yours. They have so much in common, like genetics, temperaments & personalities – they really could be twins.

To the stranger: Wow, I’m amazed how well you know my kids given this is the first time you’ve seen them. What a wonderful gift you have.

Formula smells delicious. I’m going to have it now on instead of milk.

I love housework. My most favourite task is putting away washing. It rocks!

Meh, it’s just money.

I really don’t believe in depression or anxiety. They’re just excuses for being lazy & moody.

Are you sure you want to go out with someone that’s been married before?

You had your baby at 36 weeks too. Oh, well we all know that 36 weeks isn’t really prem.

I find it so comical that every one of my t-shirts gets holes in the exact same spot after wearing them once. And what’s more, I find it amusing that I can’t work out what it’s from.

Mother’s instinct is such bull.

Kids, please take your shoes off inside the house after preschool & school so that all the sand & tanbark goes everywhere. I’ve just vacuumed so it’s totally fine.

I really hope there’s no chocolate soufflé on the menu.

Hitler was just misunderstood.

To my kids: No you can’t go to bed early.

Some people have it so much worse off you know. Your issues really aren’t that bad.

Ah the wind & the rain in my face – nothing can beat that.

To another mother: Are you working at the moment?

You think your child might have lice. No worries let’s still have our playdate.

The internet is such a time waster.

Don’t buy us a lottery ticket cos we might win.

The snack fell on the floor, please put it in the bin.

I wouldn’t put kids into daycare, especially if I wasn’t going to work. It’s cruel to your kids. They really should be home with you.

He/she must be teething.

I find it funny when you call that game a ‘jew jump’.

That’s ok come in, I’m just on the toilet.

Your baby is also ‘failure to thrive’. Isn’t it wonderful constantly worrying about food & feeding issues.

You should really <insert anything here>

I’d love to make dinner tonight. I insist.

Motherhood’s a breeze.

I’m sure I’ll be adding to these, but the start I’ve made is quite thorough. Feel free to share with me what things you’ll never say. I’d love to hear them.